I have never really thought much about the phrase "March Madness" till this particular March of my life.
I am deep into a class that although started out kinda hokey, is turning out to be a great mind bender. Finally all those years of working at LDS Hospital are paying off. Processes that I heard about, policies that we were tested on yearly, verbage that I have not used for eons is coming back to my consciousness and I am ace-ing the tests. It is like that gift of work experience is finally paying off and my box of knowledge that was buried deep in my mind is open and alive and enjoying being in the light again.....
But I am also seeing the cost that this experience is having on my family.
Dad just is not Mom.
Am I surprised about this realization?
No.
I have attended BYU Women's Conference the last three years and come home to, well, less than desirable conditions. I know that my expectations are not the same as my husbands and my schedule is not the same, but still it is tough.
Friday was a no school day for me and I used the time to play with my kids. I missed them, I had not realized how much I enjoy being with them, bringing the craft box down and watching their creative juices flow, sitting with DQ and doing Pre-Algebra, jumping on the trampoline and trying not to break my neck. I miss that sense of time belonging to me and I wonder am I pushing life along too fast at the cost of what really matters most?
Do not get me wrong, I am really glad that I am doing this class. Come April I will have a degree that will allow me to be more marketable and also step right into a Nursing program if I so choose, but I am also wondering if the time is right?
But when is the right time?
I have always felt that my job in bringing children into this world was to be there to raise them. I know that not every situation allows for that to happen, however I do owe it to my kids to be there when they need me.
*****
Flashback to high school.
I was voted the person most likely to never get married and never have children. I was going to conquer the world, be a CEO and have all the things that money could buy and forget all about men, they are the devil. As we all know that did not happen and when my daughter arrived on the scene all that changed. She became the center of my world, everything I did was for her and still is. One time I got a part-time job and had to go to all day orientation. So I left her with a daycare center and went off to orientation. When I came to pick her up she was still in her diaper of 9 hours ago and was still in her car seat. Had they not taken her out and played with her? The worst was that she would not look at me, she was so mad at me for doing that to her. She was only 8 months old too - she knew what I was doing and she was having no part of it. Needless to say that I quit the job and we suffered financially for a while longer so that I could stay at home. But I saw how important it was to be there, no one was going to do it better than me.
Fast forward to 2009.
People are loosing their jobs, homes are in foreclosure, life is scary and uncertain, no one is immune to financial disaster. Do I still feel that my certification is a good idea - you bet. But do I really want to use it by getting a job, not especially. 
I have a job, one that I chose almost twelve years ago and it is not going to end anytime soon. It is a job that no test could have told me I was naturally predisposed to, but one that I have grown into and love. My job is being a Mom and no matter what, it is the job that I need to be there to complete.
I have a job, one that I chose almost twelve years ago and it is not going to end anytime soon. It is a job that no test could have told me I was naturally predisposed to, but one that I have grown into and love. My job is being a Mom and no matter what, it is the job that I need to be there to complete. 
8 comments:
Oh, I so sympathize with you. It is a mixed bag of guilty thoughts and thoughts of actually being able to contribute financially to your family. A tough choice.
The thing is, it is good for your kids to be without you once in a while, having to be with dad and his ways and realize that different isn't worse, it's just different.
You are doing a good thing. And even if you don't use it right now, you will know that you CAN, and that is a great feeling.
I love the picture of your two babies. Those smiles are adorable!
It is very hard, feeling like your having to choice between your personal needs and those of your children. But, you posting this really shows how much you care and love your children. That they are the most important. No matter what, comes in life, you have to prioritize, and thats the hard part, but it can be done..! It may seem like your not giving as much, but in a sense you are to your children. Your showing them how important it is to be self disciplined, and work hard towards your goals without losing focus on the most important which is your family....Best of luck to you, Nursing was the very best decision I made for myself 29 years ago...!!
Oh and how quickly this job will end. These little ones grow up in the blink of an eye. I can't get over how fast it goes. You are a good mom, your kids are lucky.
I so enjoyed this post. WIth my husband now unemployed it's a very hard thing to think about. Your kids are very lucky to have a mom that does miss them so much.
It's so scary with how bad the economy is though and you are doing your kids a HUGE favor being a marketable employee because when it comes down to it THAT will help provide for them if you end up having to work.
That picture of them is SO cute. Those smiles!
I know exactly what you mean. I feel guilty when I am away from them, but what do you do, when you need to help with the income. It is a truly torn feeling that I hate! You are right though, being a mother is our number one job and should come first (in our hearts at least). I am looking forward to spending some much needed time with my brood over Spring Break and I know that will be a great week for you with your kids as well. Hang in there, you are almost there!!
Amen sister, motherhood ROCKS!! It is challenging though, but what worthwhile thing isn't hard? You wouldn't love it as much if it were so easy, ya know? You're being a great mom, good job! I only wish I could see you jumping on the tramp with your kids, that would be so fun :)
Your post gave me goose bumps! You're so smart about all of life's little situations. I'm sure when you're all certified and done with class, you'll know whether or not now is the time to use the certification.
I love that you enjoy being a mom! And that you always do such fun things with your kids. Too many parents see their kids as an appendage to their life, and don't fully appreciate being a parent. You embrace it whole-heartedly!
p.s. As an ironic side note, I was voted Most Likely to Be the First Girl Married After Graduation in high school—no joke! :)
This post had me a little teary-eyed! I am going through similar feelings right now.
My choice has always been to be a stay at home mom. To be the one that raised my daughter. It has cost us financially at times, but Katie has always been my treasure. She is my perfectly decorated house. She is my remodeled kitchen. She is my perfectly landscaped yard.
Now with a job loss at home and "the wolf at our door", we are hoping and praying that Mr. H can get work so I can "complete my job as Mom". Just a few more years and she's in college....
Thanks so much for sharing this post. ♥
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