Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Bash the Husband

Okay, I am going to vent so if you do not want to read about husband bashing click off - now.
***************
Did that get your attention I hope so.

I am so tired of going to ladies functions and after all the uplifting of the night having it dashed to the floor at the dessert table by someone trashing their husband. I am tired of standing in line at a store to hear the witchy woman in front of me on her cellphone telling the unknown caller what a dirtbag she is married to. I am frankly tired of reading on other peoples blogs the blatant disrespect for their spouse - the person that they chose to marry.

I do not have the perfect spouse! I am sure that there is not one man out there that does everything right, but in moments of tenderness The Man is the best ever out there for me. He has endured awful pregnancies where I blamed him for my condition, he has dragged me out of state away from my family kicking and screaming, he has provided many beautiful homes to live in and then proceeded to make them more beautiful because I did not like the carpet, paint, flooring, etc... Each and every day he gets up and goes to a job that he does not love but he does it because he loves me and wants me to be happy and well taken care of. Does he still do things that make me want to lash out with some clipping comment -you bet!





When I was a young bride I heard a great lesson that I gratefully committed to memory about our relationship with our spouse. We as the wife are very powerful in either helping or hurting our husbands. They respond to life by how we are treating them. If they are well loved and taken care of and feel that we desire them above everything else they will gladly go out and slay the dragon for us each and every day. But, if we tear them down, belittle all that they do, criticize, categorize and compare, how devoted are they going to be to us?




I have chosen to make sure that my complaints with my husband are between he and I. I do not chose to air my complaints in public, especially at social functions where my spouse is in attendance. I will never forget being in a circle of women each taking moments to comment on their husband and seeing over this one woman's shoulder, her husband; his face as he heard what she had to say about him when she though he was out of ear shot. The pain he felt was apparent on his face and we all felt shamed to have been party to this public flogging of what I thought was a good man. I realized that then and there I never, ever wanted to be the person to put that look onto my husbands face.




I love my husband, he puts up with so much from me. I worry him, I delight him, and I hope that at the end of the day he also knows without a doubt that I love him. We have spent 13 years together and it seems so not long enough for me to completely know him. I support him, I desire success for him and I hope that he is proud of what we have done together as a couple and as a family.
So in the end of all this I am reminding myself that what I choose to let come out of my mouth about those that I love affects my happiness too. I need to choose those words wisely no matter where I am........

79 comments:

Elena said...

Very nicely said. I have been planning a "My Husband Rocks" post for this week due to his birthday. It's nice to hear women who love their hubbies, faults and all. (Because who doesn't have faults. Well, I don't, but.... LOL! J/K) I felt like I was part of the public flogging of that poor man, just by reading this. I almost felt like I needed to slink in my chair. That's really sad. And yay for you husband for a fun post to him today.

EmmaP said...

i love this post. i read in a relationship book that not only should we not BASH our spouses in front of others, and not only should we not even TEASE our spouse in front of others, but we SHOULD COMPLIMENT our spouse in front of others. The author said there is no better way to show others our love for our spouse than by complimenting him in front of others. love it!

fennbunch said...

Amen to that post! I am sick of witnessing husband bashing as well and unfortunately I am not quiet about it. If I hear someone husband bashing I will tell them "I know your husband and I don't think he is like that!" This usually embarasses the woman and doesn't make me very popular, but I don't care. Our husbands do so much for us and like I always say "Treat him like the man you want him to be and he will become that man for you". Good for you for sticking up for your hubby! It's a proud day for women everywhere!!

Alamodey said...

Yes, yes, yes, and YAY for you for posting this! Found you via Mormon Mommy Blogs, and I LOVE this post. Thank you for writing it. I hate to see women bashing the men who so clearly love them, and this is something I am always careful of with myself. Thank you for writing such an awesome post!

Mrs. X said...

If ever I feel that something I've written could be, even slightly misconstrued, as complaining and/or bashing, I have my husband review it first! One of the traits that I admire in my husband is the fact that he THRIVES on healthy debate. He loves hearing other people's opinion, on just about any subject, especially if they are contrary to his.

Yesterday, I wrote a post about an egg incident that he couldn't of enjoyed more. He reviewed it for me and loved it. He has an extremely stressful job, but made sure to check the post several times throughout the day just to see what comments were left. I was pleased with the fact that I was able to bring him a little laughter and fun via the internet, since we rarely see each other in person. (except on Sundays) :)

Your husband is a lucky man, it is clear how much you love and adore him.

"The Queen in Residence" said...

Mrs X- I saw the egg incident and it was a great discusion in our house this morning - even though it was oposite opinions on the whole event.
I am sorry that so many have come to visit on a day that I dragged out the soap box but sometimes things just need to be said.
I hope that you get to see your hubby more and that precious time is not spent at the grocery store. :>

Mrs. X said...

I'm always up to read a post about women who love their husbands!

We love spening our only day together at Walmart. We take romantic strolls through the garden center, and eat flourescent lit dinners together at the McDonalds inside.

And did you say you made homemade Oreos AND pizza?? Golly it sure would be nice if those recipes were posted some place! *hint* :)

Heather said...

Honey, you drag out the soap box whenever you want. It's your blog, you have an opinion, and you have a right to share it. If people don't want to read it, then they can just click away.

I liked this post. I have been guilty of husband-bashing, especially when I'm at work surrounded by other complaining women. I was totally convicted one day when a co-worker had nothing but nice things to say about her husband. It stopped me in my tracks. It's so easy to focus on the negative things, but when you actually take an inventory of all the great things, it's easy to see what a great man my spouse truly is. That day put me in my place, and I make a conscious effort to choose my words more carefully.

Thanks for a well-written post.

Pennies In My Pocket said...

I agree with you. :) To make it even more simple...just imagine that if hubbies had blogs (I'm sure a lot of them do, but vast majority do not) and bashed their wives or we caught wind of them talking smack about us...we would be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO mad. My hubby is my best friend. I wouldn't want to hurt him like that. There's a huge difference between tease talking about 'everyday' funny issues about our hubbies, but to talk trash and bash is totally different.

Good post! :)

~melody~

Elena said...

By the way, I'm holding you to the homemade oreos next week on T-I-T :)

Mark43 said...

I am Mrs. X's husband. To clear the record... I do NOT like going to Walmart on Sunday (my only day off). But I understand the difficulty she would have of trying to wrangler two young boys through the aisles by herself.

What were the opposite reactions to the egg incident?

p.s. I second the oreo recipe request!

Jennifer P. said...

My eyes are leaking....

This was so beautifully said. I had the exact same attitude towards Brad---so burned into me that even now it is hard to say, or even think, anything bad of him.

Your husband is a lucky, lucky man. And I'm sure you feel lucky too :)!

Caroline said...

You couldn't be more right sister. Men are huge on the respect issue and it is blatant disrespect for a wife to trash her husband in public - even if he is a dog. I have this great book that I'm reading right now that talks all about this and other pertinent topics to one's marriage. Its called "For Women Only" and its by Shanti Feldhan (I think). Good stuff.

You husband looks like a nice guy! He's lucky to have you and vice versa.

Tigersue said...

All I can say, BRAVO!!!!!

Ronnica said...

Amen! I don't have a husband, but I hate to hear others bash their husbands (or read them do so on their blog!). I just don't see how that can be encouraging to him or edifying to anyone. There may be times when a wife needs to share something she is struggling with, but that should be in a one-on-one mentorship or accountability situation, not just a casual conversation among a group of friends. Even then it would be done in such a way as to be as supportive and loving of the husband as possible.

Oh, and as a unintentionally single woman, I'd rather read a post praising a husband than bashing him. Though I need to realize that a husband isn't everything, seeing those type of posts aren't helpful.

Kris said...

YES YES YESSSSSS!!!! AMEN!!! You need to be teaching Relief Society to some of these younger newlyweds. (And reminding the old ones!)

I had someone give me the advice when we were engaged to never say anything in front of others that would cause hurt of shame to my husband. Because long after YOU forget the problem or transgression, THEY will still remember and think that of him! I have held true to that and gratefully so!!

Heather said...

Okay, the "thing" is called a "blogicon", and it takes a few steps to change it. I set up an account on www.iconj.com and then picked a blogicon out that I liked. If you google "free blogicons", it will take you to a couple of other sites as well.

Once you pick one out, email me if you don't know how to change it. You have to go to "layout" on your blog home page, then change html on one of the sections. I found a tutorial on another blog...unfortunately, I can't remember which one. But I could help you if I was looking at it at the same time as you.

That probably doesn't help you much. You can also pay someone to do it for you...I am just too stubborn and cheap to do that :)

Good luck.

My email is hkelsey@cinci.rr.com

Pennies In My Pocket said...

Back again....the post I wrote today reminded me of the post you wrote about hubbies. :)

Pennies In My Pocket said...

I just snort laughed at your post! Gotta love 'lovin' hubbies! LOL

~melody~

jennifer said...

Amen!! If we tear our husbands down today to our friend... then forgive him tomorrow... what is that friend going to remember? The good or the bad? THE BAD!! We need to quit bashing our men!

Jen

The Hultman's said...

HI!!! I am here from BATW and here is a head's up, there are MORE of us coming... :)

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. I could not agree with you more. I put my hubby through so much and he is still there, unconditinally loving me! How lucky us ladies are.

~Trish~ said...

Sneaking over here from BATW on their 'layover' LOL I'm lovin this post!!!

JourneytoFamily said...

What a great post! I've always felt the same way and I never cut my husband down and always give him the respect that he deserves. Love this!
(visiting via BATW)

This Mom said...

I am coming from BATW but you are on my reader list as well. I loved this post. I really try to live by this rule. Though I do have one yes one girl friend I will call to vent from time to time. because sometime talking to Hubby leaves me Unresolved.

Shannon said...

Here from BATW...

Completely agree with you... I know my hubby is not perfect, nobody is. I think its one thing to vent to your friend but its another to be bashing your husband while you are in public where anyone and everyone can hear you!

Elizabeth said...

I don't like hearing people bash their spouses, either, but I haven't noticed it much in the blogs that I visit.
Have you checked out "My Husband Rocks"?
visiting via BATW!

Gombojav Tribe said...

*applause*

Excellent post!

Daja, visiting from BATW

www.gombojav.blogspot.com

Sarah said...

Kia Ora from New Zealand visiting from BATW! I LOVE this post and will be back to read more.

In my view, the more we focus on the positives in our relationships and talk about them with those around us - the more positives will actually eventuate. The Law of Attraction.

I find writing a blog a really therapeutic way to focus on the good times within the family and celebrate them.

So here's me in little New Zealand raising my glass to you and your family :)

Julie said...

visiting from BATW and I agree with everything you said...

I remember when I was first married, I attended a local bible study and had to drop out. During the discussion time it was all about how hard it was being married and how much trouble they had with their husbands... One woman even brought in a book for another woman titled "Maybe God had you marry out of obedience not love." I knew then it was time to leave. I was just married... I needed to be around encouraging people who also loved their husbands like I did/do!

Elena said...

What a great day for you to be the unplanned BATW stop. This was the perfect post for everyone to read.

Patti said...

What a great post!! I'm so glad you were the featured "surprise" blogger today on BATW!!! There couldnt have been a better post if you had known!!

illahee said...

hanging out from BATW

Keeper of the Skies Wife said...

Here from BATW....surprise!
It's one thing to "vent" in private to your close girlfriends about hubby....knowing they won't look at him any different when your done....and another to do it in public where others can here. I've been married to my high school sweetheart and ONLY man I ever dated for over 20 years.....I would never bash him. Great post!!!!

Becky Welch said...

Thanks for letting all the BATWers crash at your place today!! I am so glad that we did. What a blessing!! I loved and agreed with everything your post had to say about husbands. It is something that I have struggled with and do not appreciate!! I love your blog - esp. the "I" section - may have to borrow that one!! Enjoy all your company today!

~*~ Jennifer ~*~ said...

Nice post... some day I hope to have a husband such as you speak of. For now -- I'll keep living with the one I have and keep my mouth shut. Remember -- you are most fortunate. Blessed.

I've yet to find a blog that says, "My husband is a dork, but I'm still living as a godly woman anyway." That's the kind of blog I need. How to be a godly woman... anyway. In spite of. God any suggestions?

Leslie said...

Very well put. I agree with you. Public spouse bashing is quite harsh and uncalled for.

Dawn said...

Hi from Louisiana! I'm coming from BATW. Great post!!

Lula! said...

Brilliant...we all need to thank Debbie for sending us to your place.

My husband wouldn't dream of "dissing" me...he's far too much of a gentleman for that. In return, I treat him with the same respect. We air our dirty laundry where it belongs--at home--amidst the dirty laundry! Ha!

Debbie said...

Suhprise Suhprise...our BATW layover landed us here! Tee hee heee....I love it!

Susie said...

Greetings from Wisconsin. Congratualations on your surprise feature on BATW. I hope you are enjoying the extra attention.

Can I just say BRAVO!! The 1990's male bashing is over. Making fun of them of being out of the "inside" joke at home because they are out working hard for those jokesters is over.

I hear my friends complain about the things their husbands do and I just can't relate. My husband is hard working and he loves us. If he wants to spend some time playing video games to come down off of a 12-hour day...go for it! You have earned it.

Lauren W said...

I could not agree more!
I firmly believe that if more women had this attitude, we would see far more happy marriages.
Thanks for the beautiful reminder :D

Jen said...

What a great post! I stick to that same rule too. I do my bery best not to post or talk about issues that my hubby and I are having. After all, I should probably talk to him about it not everyone else. Isn't that what makes a healthy marriage, communication?

Mandy said...

I think of Prov. 14:1 - "The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down." I think anything we do (or say) that is negative is tearing down our house. That includes complaining about our husbands and kids.

Thanks for sharing this. I'm over from BATW!

Tara said...

I loved your post! It's so true. My husband and I learned this at premarital counseling through our church. Your post was a great reminder! Thank you!!

Michelle said...

Now that's a lovely and honest sentiment. Sometimes hard for me to live up to, but ... my husband knows I love him and knows why. And this morning he even put out all the sheets for the cleaning ladies and wrote the check so I wouldn't have to rush around doing that. Yay! :)

Lynda said...

Greetings from BATW - I am so glad I was directed your way today for THIS post - I agree wholeheartedly - I think we all need to remember to lovingly respect our spouses.

Tamie said...

good post! i think that we all need that reminder once in a while...b/c as women, when we get together: we gossip about lots of things and yes, even our husbands whom we should be standing by through thick and thin!
i am guilty, guilty, guilty of this on more than once occasion and it is an on-going test for me to bit my toungue and keep my comments about my hubby to myself...thank you again! you're awesome! :)

Joy in the Burbs... said...

I learned in Bible study I did last year that husbands really want our respect as much as our love. Respect means so much more to them. That song R-E-S-P-E-C-T from Aretha Franklin was written by a man. Good bloggin sister.

Ashley said...

I'm totally with you. Spouse bashing leads to some awkward moments. Especially when women are collectively bashing and I feel like they are expecting me to chime in but I don't really have anything negative to add. So I say something positive about the subject then feel like I'm bragging b/c I have a good husband - but I guess that's okay. I would rather we all just love and cherish our husbands (as they should us, as well). I love my husband and although he has many flaws (as do I) I'm glad we're going through life together. You have such a cute family!

Brian and Staci said...

VERY GREAT POST! Ms.Oklahoma stopping in :) I am blessed like you...a WONDERFUL man! Who, at most times...is a better husband than I am wife :( Knows me better than myself and has to remind me sometimes that why in the world would I ever want to take my frustrations out at the end of the day on THE ONE person in this world who loves me the most ????? :) What a man :) I'm with you on this post! WELL DONE!

New Girl on Post said...

That's a great post! I totally agree with you! I admit my husband gives me a headache sometimes, but I can't imagine life without him!

Shell said...

Hi, I'm coming in from BATW. I'm not married, I respect where you are coming from. I will remember what you said how as a wife we are powerful in helping or hindering our husband. Though I'm dating someone now, I try my best to always be kind and gentle to him because he tries to do the best by me. Men need our support.

Meagan said...

I'm here by way of BATW!

What an amazing and refreshing post! My husband went through seminary several years ago and you wouldn't believe some of the things I heard from the "sweet seminary wives." It became very discouraging at times.

I love and respect my husband and strive to honor him both in words and actions.

Fabulous post!

Caution Flag said...

Great, great post. It took me a long time to understand that I could choose how to react to frustrations and to my husband! I realized that he is a precious gift to me, so I should be more careful in my comments about him.

The Hultman's said...

Hello! I wanted to stop back by and give you the link to where I found the "Twilight Addict" widget.

www.thecutestblogontheblock.com

Just look under the "Accessorize your blog" tab on the left.

Hope you're enjoying all your visitors :)

Ren said...

Bravo!! Wonderful post, I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said.

Happy BATW Layover Day!

Amy Kay said...

Great post. I really like your blog. You seem like a great family. And congratulations on the layover from BATW. I hope you didn't mind us crashing with you for a while.
Hugs from Georgia, Amy ;)

Amy said...

Visting from BATW. Good for you, I am glad that you found your prince. Cute kiddos too :D

oº˚ Queen Bee Anissa ˚ºo said...

Visting for BATW. I would never bash my husband. That man is to good to us and we love him dearly. Thanks for sharing -- Much Love -- I loved reading your blog!

Vicki said...

I don't ever talk about my husband in public unless I'm praising him. If we're together in a party setting I'll poke a little fun, only if he's right there. But then I'll build him up.

Thanks for posting this. I too am tired of man bashing.

Domestic Executive said...

Great post. I'm a great believer in not really trashing anyone, whoever they are without their knowledge. You have choices about people you engage with and how you do it.

Your Dr Seuss quote summs it all up!

Visiting from New Zealand on the BATW tour!

Enjoy your layover guests.

Mrs. X said...

...and the winner of "Queen for a Day" is...QUEEN!

Hope you enjoyed all your surprise visitors!

CaraBee said...

I totally agree with you. I never talk trash about my husband. To anyone. It's not fair to him and damaging to our relationship.

Mekhismom said...

Awwww how sweet. And how mindful you are of the vows. I mean I think it is tacky to husband bash. Unless it is anonymous of course!

Britt said...

Amen! So happy to hear other women stand up for their men. I get really tired of hearing women complain about their men, and then talk about how they manipulate them to get what they want.

I love a good soap-box ;o)

LaDonna said...

Coming over from BATW, great post. I always believe keep the negative to yourself, if you have nothing good to say about the person don't say anything. Besides I know I would be pissed off if I overheard my hubby bad mouthing me.

Mel, A Dramatic Mommy said...

Well said. There's a difference between venting and bashing.

greedygrace said...

Visiting from BATW...

What a great tribute. I should strive to do this. I can't seem to get through a girls' night without starting a you'll-never-believe-what-Wylee-did story!

Joyfulsister said...

Amen!! Sistah,
I am with *U* on this one.
Someone once said if you bash your spouse, it just makes you look bad to those who listen to your bashing, because they end up having even more sympathy for your poor spouse who married you!!!!

Aloha Lorie

Jen - Balancing beauty and bedlam said...

So glad we surprised you on this of all posts. This was a perfect "unplanned" stop. Respecting our husbands shows them more love than we will ever know. Powerful!

Sharon (sk) said...

I agree 100 percent. I also hate it when I hear parents belittle their kids in public with the children right there... as if they can't hear or understand. Sad. :/

Beth said...

You are so right! The older I am the less I want to be around people who "bash", "judge", and "criticize" others!

BTW I came in from BATW

Janean Campbell said...

All I have to say here...AMEN SISTER...Thanks for such an uplifting blog read while on this layover. We often take them for granted and need to let them know how special they are to us.

BATW RAWKS>>>>>)))))

HeathahLee said...

Sorry I'm so late from BATW, but I'm so glad I came over!

AMEN, SISTER! I have a friend that cannot say one good thing about her husband and it gets ON MY NERVES! I'm too chicken to tell her that MAYBE the reason why he does what he does is because SHE TRASHES him all the time!

Ooh, sorry, didn't mean to share your soapbox. What I meant to say was, "I completely agree!" : )

Tiffiney said...

You go girl!!! I love my husband..he is the perfect man for me..we may have our fights and fusses..but hey making up is fun...I try my best to uplift my hubby..specially when I am talking to others about him..cause I am hoping he is doing the same for me..He is a wonderful father and a wonderful caregiver...and heck if I had to live with someone like me...I might would have moved out a long time ago..lol...great post! :)

Karen said...

Here from BATW. I'm little late, but I'm here :-)

What a wonderful post. It certainly gives one something to think about!

The Farmer Files said...

Aloha, here from BATW. I grew up in a home with parents that did this to one another and I cringed every time. They have been married for 37 years, and it has just gotten worse. Now I cringe for my children to hear this. I didn't even realize 10 years ago how I did this when I was a new bride, until I "heard" myself talking and was horrified! I was turning into my parents! My choice not to speak poorly of him had nothing to do with who he was, but my choice to say I was not going to do that! Ohhh and I married an absolute prince. Did that stop me? No! But being a frog husband or prince husband has nothing to do with a wife's choice not to do this! I am so glad I learned this lesson well before I had children, and very early in my marriage! Much aloha for posting this!!!

Kathi said...

Amen!!!! I totally agree with you. What a wonderful post. I always say that it it our job to build up our husbands...not to tear them down.

I like to take it one step further and challenge the girls I know to try to always say something positive about their husbands.

I came over from BATW...don't ya just love Debbie???

Lady Dorothy said...

Fantastic post! We need to hear more of this type of thing!

Coming via BATW -- and very late, too! But, I'm glad I finally made it!